Maturity is for Losers

Have you ever been in a situation where it is highly inappropriate to laugh? The case of the giggles seems to only hit me when you can’t laugh, but I always do. Especially when I was hanging out with my friend Jared. He seemed to always find the twisted side of things with me. We would skip down the twisted humor trail holding hands making jokes about anything and everything, the more gross the better.

We were in high school advanced biology class, basically after we were done making fun of the kids who didn’t believe in evolution by boiling down their beliefs to the “invisible man in the sky” theory, we became board. Until one day, a poor student teacher came into our lives with the best tape in the world, When Animals Attack!

Since apparently our school had nothing better to show us, science wise, they made the decision to show us this load of gold. Jared and I knew that this was going to be great day! We got to the edge of our desks and let the animals attack.

Now, I had no idea that moose were extremely mean! But when they get mean it is the funniest thing I have ever seen. Here’s the situation, pretend that there is dramatic music with this description. There is this guy, drunk, walking outside of a bar in Alaska where a moose has taken over the town. I know it’s great already, but there is more. The guy stumbles outta’ the bar, where the moose is waiting for him! Like he’s gonna’ get in a knife fight with a moose. The guy starts to stumble like an asshole home, when the moose follows. By this time, Jared and I are giddy. The moose follows the guy for a couple blocks. The guy would stop look at the moose, and the moose would stop and look behind itself like he was trying to play off the fact that he is stalking this guy. After a while, we’re talking a full 8 times of this, the moose ATTACKS! The moose leaps into the air, pushes the drunken guy face first into the snow and commences to tap dance on his body. Jared and I are in stitches now, and then the clincher comes. The narrator says, all serious, that the guy died because of the moose mauling. Jared and I laugh so hard that tears are coming from our eyes, of course we are the only ones laughing, then the tape is shut off.

I will never forget this, the student teacher then said, “ you two lack maturity”, Yes, yes we do.

When Drive-Thru Bees ATTACK!

You must understand that bees SUCK! I hate them, they mess up everything, they are the only bug that you jump outta’ the way of. I especially hate those big assed bumblebees. Now they can go straight back to Hell! Not only was I stung right in the middle of the hand by one of these bumblebees when I was a child, but one tried to mess up my order at Taco Bell with my friend Maria.

Maria and I were inseparable! We did everything together in high school including almost getting killed by a bumblebee. We were doing what we do best in a small town like Davison, we were skipping class and makin’ a run for the boarder. We were maneuvering the skinny Taco Bell drive-thru in her big ass maroon Buick named Bertha making our way to the speaker. Maria rolled down the window and started her order. This apparently angered a huge bumblebee. It probably didn’t help that we were making fun of those bastards just a few minutes ago, but anyway.

She was ordering when out of know where, this bumblebee from hell came flying into Bertha! Here’s the dramatic re-enactment:

Taco Bell Guy: “Can I take your order?”

Maria: “Yah, can I get a taco supre---EEEEEEEMMMM! AH!

Me: “What the hell?!?!?!”

Maria: “ BEE! BEE! BEE!”

Me: “ SHIT!”

I fumbled for the door to let the pissed off bee out, and flung it open. The bumblebee flew out of our lives, but I think I could hear in laughing maniacally. Bumblebees are bastards….